Can I be happy when I’m not?

It’s easy to be brave when nothing frightens me.

It’s easy to be strong when nothing stronger attacks.

It’s easy to have compassion from a distance.

It’s easy to let go when I don’t really want it anyway.

It’s easy to be happy when life gives me what I want.

But I don’t get spiritual growth points for that! There’s no gain without loss, no enlightenment without accepting and overcoming difficult challenges.

Three weeks ago everything changed. A door fell on my foot. It wasn’t just any door. This door was a very old, very dense Bali door of teakwood that came crashing down in the dark. A goose-egg the size of a softball ballooned, splitting the skin across the delicate arch and it throbbed like a drum being beaten from the inside. Neighbors heard the crash and rushed to my aid but other than an ice pack there was little to be done.

I took two ibuprofen and, since it was night anyway, hobbled to bed.

Backstory:

I’ve always been healthy. I’ve had the kind of body that cooperates no matter what I throw it’s way. It’s a balanced body, strong, hardy, and willing. It likes physicality and too much sedentary downtime is not okay. So as I was saying…

P1070050Day One.

I wake up and try to walk on the bulbous left foot, but it’s more of a limp-hop that deteriorates fast when all the blood in my body rushes to the wound with it’s fiendish pounding. I decide that this will be a writing day with my foot elevated on a stack of cushy pillows.

Day Two.

I tentatively swing my feet out of bed and plant them on the floor. The left one seems to rest on a squishy bubble. I try to walk and the throbbing hop-dance commences. But today is writers’ group and I am determined to go. There’s a length of fabric from a sarong tie that is about the right size so I wrap my foot and try a normal walk. Yes. With the support of the makeshift bandage it’s do-able.

The foot is still happier elevated so I take a seat at the end of the table and make it through the meeting in fine form. Afterwards, a friend invites me to see his new villa, “It’s only 500 meters,” he says.  I struggle with the metric system. Is a meter like a foot? A yard? And if it’s 500 yards, how far is that? We start out and after 10 steps I’m in trouble. But my strong, hardy, willing body won’t say no.

When I get home I go straight to bed with ice packs and my foot propped up far enough so the hammering blood drains away from the wound. “I probably overdid it a little.” It’s my last thought before going comatose.

Day Three.

Okay, let’s just say I do a stupid repeat of day two. I take my foot shopping, walking on concrete floors for hours. What was I thinking? The throbbing that night is intense and I notice a hot redness forming around the split flesh. I take two ibuprofen, slather the open slit with triple antibiotic cream and go to bed with the ice pack hoping I’ll fall asleep before it melts.

Day Four.

My Balinese friends begin to hover, frown, and offer various oils, ointments, and the juice of roasted frangipani stems to apply to my compromised foot. They notice the melted ice pack. “No ice,” they tell me. “Only heat.” They want to know if I’ve seen a doctor. “No, it’s not broken,” I say, after all, I can walk, can’t I? But the inflamed area bothers me. I’ve brought a prescription of antibiotic tablets from the U.S. and decide to take them.

Day Five.

I experience a change in my nervous system. The realization that I am going to have to slow down to a near dead stop and allow this foot to rest if I want it to heal drops into my consciousness. NOOOO! screams my strong, hardy, and willing body. In that instant I know that it’s going to be a battle. My usual practice of denying pain and pushing through isn’t going to work this time. A surge of panic starts at the base of my spine and ripples upward, fluttering around my heart and lodging in my throat. I scramble to the internet and enlist Google. After reading dozens of descriptions I self-diagnose. I’m quite certain that I have sustained a stable Lisfranc injury.

Naming the thing brings a certain peace. But as I read down to the treatment and recovery time a fresh wave of resistance rattles me. It can take up to six weeks of elevation and minimal use of the foot to fully recover.

A touch of insanity seeps around the edges and creeps into my flailing mind. Six weeks! The still functioning logical part of my brain takes a step back. “Oh, you don’t like that at all, do you?” she taunts. “You love to tell everyone else to listen to their body, and look at you! Here’s your chance and you’re behaving like a spoiled brat.” Self-talk can be brutal. But I have to admit that she, I, am right. I grab my notebook. I need to process and writing is the quickest way for me to get to my truth. The first word that appears is OPPORTUNITY.

With that word my perspective shifts. This time of enforced quietude, inactivity, and introspection is an opportunity rich with possibility, I write.

The power of suggestion, when written down, is readily internalized and becomes as solid as fact. When I put those words on paper I know that the time will not be wasted or lost, that it will just be different. Giving honor to my foot, working with it’s healing instead of against it, brings me back into harmony with myself. Accepting the constraints as a gift, an opportunity to explore my own mental and emotional discomfort which are far greater than the actual, physical pain of the injury, provides a rich environment to expand my awareness.

Day Twenty-one.

Today marks the half-way point, three of the six weeks are behind me. The foot is still swollen, the gash is still oozing, but the knob has receded and there’s no infection. It’s healing. But the real progress is in my mind. I’m not fighting it any more. In fact, I’ve grown to quite love the endless hours of confinement. When all of that Type A, produce-or-die energy is stripped away, I become a docile, contented, lazy-ass, slug…pretty much.

 

 

 

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21 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sageblessings
    Jul 28, 2014 @ 08:42:26

    Wonderfully written. I’m still concerned. Yet you have moved into a place to really allow this the time it needs and I commend you. How about another photo in time so we know how it is doing??

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  2. Lottie Nevin
    Jul 28, 2014 @ 09:56:29

    OWWWwwwwww – Sherry, poor you. What a horrible thing to happen. Wishing you a speedy recovery 😀

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  3. Gigi Gloria Heitkemper Cullins
    Jul 28, 2014 @ 12:29:42

    That looks so painful! I totally understand your pushing through as I have a tendency to do that myself as you know. I, too, would like to see an updated photo. I pray you heal with no infection and are back to life as you’ve come to know it being happy and healthy! Should the cut still be oozing after 3 weeks? Have you seen a doctor at all about it? ❤

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  4. Nancy
    Jul 28, 2014 @ 14:59:18

    Thank you for honestly sharing what you were feeling after hurting your foot! I, too, had an injury recently that the Dr. said could take 1-2 months to heal and I felt my mind yelling Nooooooooooooo! I have pushed through pain before, but like you, this injury couldn’t heal unless I took it easy. As I was reading your blog, I felt like I was reading about myself. I empathize with you and I’m sorry you have had to go through this pain. May your foot continue to heal!

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    • writingforselfdiscovery
      Jul 29, 2014 @ 02:35:26

      Thank you for sharing your own experience. I have a feeling that there are quite a number of us out there that push first and listen later!But I’m in listen mode now and paying close attention to the healing process. I don’t want to have to repeat this particular lesson anytime soon!

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  5. Nan
    Jul 28, 2014 @ 19:13:24

    Sherry!! Get thee to a doctor! That’s one nasty wound and I would hate for you to be limping around in the future with a bone that healed improperly due to not getting it looked at. Egads! Be well and stay off your feet! I promise a real email this week.

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    • writingforselfdiscovery
      Jul 29, 2014 @ 02:27:25

      No limping! No doctor either! If I had even the slightest misgivings about the foot healing properly I’d be getting professional treatment instantly, believe me! But this felt like a very nasty bruise with no bones broken…no pain, ever, inside the foot, and never painful to walk on it.

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  6. In the Stillness of Willow Hill
    Jul 28, 2014 @ 22:18:41

    I learned so much when I had several years of crummy health in a previously robust body. I can say now that I am truly thankful for having the opportunity to discover my self in the silence (and inactivity).

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  7. shanemac
    Jul 29, 2014 @ 01:38:23

    That photo speaks a thousand words. The foot is a shocking sight. Oh my, seeing that foot is so much more than hearing that a door fell on your foot. I am so sorry and happy to hear that you are recovering.

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  8. Komang
    Jul 29, 2014 @ 08:14:08

    Sherry, sorry to hear all the news and see the picture, Komang & Wayan pray for your healing. still busy with cremation ceremony..don’t have time to Ubud. get well soon ya. Lekas sembuh!

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  9. Val Boyko
    Jul 29, 2014 @ 09:07:22

    Ouch!
    I’m smiling though.
    Such a perfect lesson in letting go and trusting to a higher power that heals and has such wisdom!
    What a gift for the spirit 🙂
    Take care
    Val x

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  10. healingpilgrim
    Jul 29, 2014 @ 13:46:01

    Ah yes, Das Left Foot. I know well of what you write. Yowza. Dunno… the swelling, gash and oozing are hinting at something; are you certain you don’t want to get an x-ray? I feel for you, and understand what you mean about trying to push through.. but I’m also pleased to see that you alighted on the word ‘opportunity’ 😉 Take care of yourself xox

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    • writingforselfdiscovery
      Jul 29, 2014 @ 19:03:43

      It’s a great word, isn’t it? Even corporate culture has ‘borrowed’ that word to describe a person’s weaknesses. They call strengths, strengths. They call weaknesses, opportunities. And, whaddaya know…they’re right!

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  11. Diane Struble
    Jul 30, 2014 @ 01:36:01

    You will never be lazy. I think you should have seen a doctor as that is a bad injury. It may be a lesson in learning to actually be realistic about your body. As you get older, that will be a big asset. Hope the healing continues. Please post updates.

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  12. Karin Grouf
    Aug 25, 2014 @ 14:46:33

    had no clue, some major gash. Antibiotics would have done the trick lucky you didn’t get gangrene. You are not Balinese and what they can withstand you can’t. You should get a tetnus shot for future as this make have other ramifications. I had something like this happen in India but have learned and am inoculated for strange things. When Asians come to the states they too are subject to things. one once of prevention. Need I say more.

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