writing for self-discovery

There’s a section of the vision board I haven’t dealt with. Upper left quadrant. There it is. I can’t move on to create a new board until this one has fulfilled its mission, until I’ve done the deep dive into the subconscious messages represented here that are running my show. This is the last one. It’s daunting and I’ve avoided it, especially the part about the inner goblin. Who wants to face that?

Here’s the magic. As I sat down to write, I had no clue what my inner goblin might be. But as soon as I isolated the image posted at the top of this page, I laughed out loud. In my face was the reality that, at this point in my life, I’m experiencing resistance to New Possibilities and New Ideas – new anything for that matter.

That isn’t who I’ve always been. I’m adventurous, up for anything, raring to go, right? Suggesting that might have changed makes me think I’m getting old. Please don’t laugh and say, “You ARE OLD!” Age is a state of mind. You’re as old as you believe you are, and I believe myself to be approximately forty-ish, at least in measurable energy if not in looks…that ship has sailed. I just took a selfie to see how many wrinkles I could make. Unfit for publication. Too much truth.

To suggest I’m satisfied with the status quo is an understatement. To imply I’m stuck there might be true. But when you’ve got it so good that you can hardly believe you’re that fortunate, why wish for anything else? I’m close to family yet independent. I have a vibrant community. My house is everything I ever wanted. I look out my windows at peaceful fields and magnificent trees.

I could go on and bore you to tears, so I won’t, but the message is clear. I’m happy.

The catch, then, is OPEN-NESS. Despite deep contentment, am I willing to fall into something new? Do I need to be? The goblin would suggest that, yes, I do. But, if I’m perfectly honest, I don’t even want to be presented with the possibility of something new. There’s been so much change in my life. I’m ready to settle, ready for stability, ready to plant myself in this safe place and just be.

So perhaps the inner goblin is the feeling that I SHOULDN’T be content with that. I never have been before. I’ve needed adventure, challenge, change. Distractions. From what? Probably, from knowing that life is finite. There’s an end and let’s not get there with regrets, things left undone, sights unseen, adventures unexplored.

Well, that end is in sight. Not imminent, but clearly on the horizon. I’ve gone where I wanted to go, seen what I’ve wanted to see, had adventures enough for two lifetimes. The itches have been scratched. So, inner goblin, wither and die you bothersome fiend! I am where I am, what I am, who I am, and until I say otherwise, I’m unrepentantly delighted.