Fawn Lake isn’t frozen, but I am…

I’m not in hibernation, although the temperatures here in Pennsylvania warrant it. I awoke to a powdering of snow that has progressed to a blustery, biting wind. The forest floor, layered with fallen oak leaves, crunches underfoot. Fawn Lake isn’t frozen…but I am!

I left Bali on October 4th. After months of waiting, I was finally fully vaccinated and travel to the US seemed feasible.

Two years is a long time to be separated from family. After seven weeks and three different states, my ‘hug deficit’ has been replenished. It feels marvelous. I’m catching up with my grandchildren – all incredibly bright and adorable, of course – but also two years older than when I last saw them. Now, they all walk, talk, count, and ask baffling questions.

The oldest, already five, is in Kindergarten. Hadley freely shares the uncanny array of facts she stores in her head. Granny, did you know that koala bears are nocturnal? Owls can have a wingspan up to five feet. Did you know elephants can live seventy years and weigh ten tons? Granny, what’s a ton?

Questions…

I’ve felt change coming for some time but had no answers for what, when, where, or how. I’d hoped this trip would bring clarity. Originally, I’d planned to return to Indonesia the first week in December. As that time approaches, there are still no international flights direct to Bali. I’d have to quarantine in Jakarta. I don’t want to do that so…

After my visit with family here, I’m flying to Mexico to meet up with friends and enjoy the milder climate in San Miguel de Allende. There’s a built-in community waiting for me there. I can explore possibilities and wait until quarantine requirements at home are lifted.

Meanwhile….

Emotionally, it’s a strange mix. I have amazing relationships in Bali, and a beautiful home that currently sits empty. (Does anyone out there want to start a new life on The Island of the Gods? Let me know!) Letting go is easier for me than most, but this feels hard. And yet, excitement bubbles in my chest imagining new challenges.

The bottom line crystallized with Covid. The uncertainty of the past two years brought reality home to roost. I can’t count on business as usual. The world came to a screeching halt almost overnight. Thinking there’d be time tomorrow for all the important things I’ve been putting off is a luxury in which I can no longer indulge.

It’s time to see the people I haven’t seen and tell them how much they mean to me.

It’s time to finish that last edit on my novel, Nettle Creek.

It’s time to admit that life is terminal and I’m closer to the end than the beginning.

It’s time to begin the next adventure – manifest the new dream.

The way ahead isn’t mapped. It’s a hard lesson for someone who wants her i’s dotted. I’m getting surprisingly adept at leaning into uncertainty and letting go of the need to see the whole picture – especially when there’s no other choice! There’s just enough light on the path for the next step and I’m taking it. Judging from past experience, when the time’s right there’ll be another glimmer of knowing…

and I’ll step again.

13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Nov 22, 2021 @ 02:54:09

    Congrats on next step. After five yrs of winters in SMA, I can say I think you may find it lovely and enticing. I wish you another glorious adventure. SL

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. gailorgias
    Nov 22, 2021 @ 03:51:08

    Could there be someone in Mexico who would like to do a ‘houseswap’ with you in Bail?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. stevecastley
    Nov 22, 2021 @ 04:08:36

    Thanks for the life update. Great that you’ve had time with family and time to reflect on the future. Cancer gave me this opportunity and I felt more settled than ever, but Covid forced me to see another reality. Yes, Bali is still my home, but I now realise, I need to challenge myself to see what I can do, what life offers and how I can have it all along with Bayu, the man I love more than breath itself. What am I saying? Explore, hug loved ones, and add new chapters to life. What ever you decide, grab it with two hands and give it your best. Hugs and love, Steve.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • writingforselfdiscovery
      Nov 22, 2021 @ 09:47:29

      Sometimes we can get too comfortable. You’ve had significant events to shake you out of complacency. As hard as it’s been, I needed the covid kick-in-the-pants to rethink priorities. I love what you said: grab it with two hands and give it your best It’s what you do and that’s advice I can take to heart. Thank you.

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  4. Marlys Gall
    Nov 22, 2021 @ 08:36:07

    you will know when time is right to make your decisions about your tomorrows. enjoy each today and eventually you will know where to next. So glad youre able to be with family and friends. Indonesia will always have a place in your heart. Just something about it with all the little quirks that makes it home forwver in your heart. Then again , home is where you are. Not a town or country, it just is. Enjoy each today.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • writingforselfdiscovery
      Nov 22, 2021 @ 09:53:49

      Beautifully said, Marlys. I formed such a bond with Indonesia. For all of its quirks, or maybe because of them, it’s a magnificent country. I’ve been so happy there. I just with I could put all my friends in my pocket and take them with me.

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  5. rickerw
    Nov 22, 2021 @ 09:13:01

    Teaching has given my life purpose beyond the writing and painting.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  6. Pat Malcolm
    Nov 22, 2021 @ 11:40:35

    Carpe diem!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  7. Diane Struble
    Nov 22, 2021 @ 12:46:46

    OK! YOU HAVE GOT THIS.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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