A Downward Dog View of Yoga

The ex-pats in Ubud have an uneasy relationship with the yoga crowd that floods the streets with nubile bodies in leggings and sports bras. There are good reasons for this. I’m guessing that the median age of the ex-pat population here approaches 70 so maybe there’s just a speck…a smattering…of jealousy? But to give them credit, these people did not grow up in the era of self-discovery with the influx of mystical influences from the East. Even some of the younger ones roll their eyes and avoid organic and raw food restaurants known to cater to the heightened awareness  crowd.

So this morning when I opened an e-mail from my sister in Northern Minnesota, and read a poem she wrote recently, I knew I had to post it for two reasons: first, she’s a great poet and has published her work in a book, Musings of a Damsel, Reflections of a Crone (click the link to see more), and second, because it’s so true and I knew if I could relate then many others would too.

My Inner Eye
by Gwen Lee Hall (pen name: Wendolyn Lee)

My friend is into yoga; she practices faithfully.
She tells me it’s done her a world of good, and it would be good for me.

I resist, but she has an answer for every excuse I know.
Yoga can take me places I never dreamed I’d go.

It will open my breath, open my mind, teach my soul to fly.
I’ll see things I’ve never seen before when I open my inner eye.

And so I cave. I buy the mat. I learn a pose or two,
And sure enough, the part about my inner eye is true!

Downward Dog on the livingroom floor, I see popcorn under the chair,
Dust bunnies under the sofa, wads of puppy hair…

So today I’m getting my exercise with a dustpan and a broom,
Seeing things I’ve never seen, right here in my livingroom.

Thank you my friend; I now include yoga in my routine.
My inner eye gets a workout, and my livingroom is clean.

Writing Memoir – The Vulnerability Factor

“You should write a book!”

Shouldn’t we all? Isn’t every life worthy? Hasn’t each soul passing through existence experienced the joys and sorrows of living in a unique and personal way?

I’ve tried many times, sat down with the crisp blank Word Document staring me in the face. Where to start? Birth? I don’t remember much. Looking at the whole of my life rolled out through the decades is instant overwhelm. But worst of all, boring. I know this story. It isn’t like writing a fiction novel where the twists and turns are as much a surprise to me as they will be to my future reader.

Looking back at failed attempts I understand why it couldn’t happen until now.

1) Too painful.

To write memoir you have to go back into the stories and re-live them, write the experience of what you saw, the smells, tastes, and textures, the feelings. My heart hadn’t healed enough to go there.

2) Too revealing.

To write memoir you have to accept who you are and write from that place. I wasn’t ready to give up the façade of perfection, take responsibility for my own bad decisions and be honest with myself.

3) Too real.

To write memoir you have to be willing to be vulnerable. Your shadow has to appear in all it’s shameful, embarrassing glory. Because after all, isn’t it the shadow side that makes us interesting…and whole? I wasn’t willing to embrace the darkness of my own truth.

4) Too scary.

To write memoir you have to risk everything. We thrive on connection with others. Shame is the fear of disconnection. To reveal ones self, warts and all, is the ultimate risk. We go to great lengths to keep our sunny side up and numb ourselves to the shameful parts. I was numb.

5) Too soon.

To write memoir you have to have a clear perspective of your purpose. “Because someone told me I should,” isn’t a clear perspective. “Because I love myself and I have an amazing story to tell,” is better. But when you come to the place of knowing that your story isn’t yours, that it belongs to others who are still mired in the swampy numbness of their own failings and insecurities and it may show them a way through, that’s when it’s time.

My time is now. As I muck around in the past, digging up old stuff, the events that light up for me aren’t the ones I expected. And as I write them, the way they present themselves on the page isn’t always the way I’ve rehearsed them through the years.  It’s the most amazing phenomenon. What I’m writing is my life told from a place of wholeness and it doesn’t look anything like the dismal sink-hole I imagined it was.

When I hit a particularly bumpy stretch and make myself go back into it, on many occasions laughter bubbles up. The first time it happened I was dumbstruck. “Why am I laughing? This was a nightmare!” In a flash I realize that I’m laughing at myself, at my naiveté, at my relentless stupidity in not wanting to see what was right in front of my face.

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Walking the labyrinth

I’m loving this memoir writing process. The words tumble out and bounce back at me like the rerun of a movie I watched a long time ago. But I’m seeing it with older, wiser eyes, and a healed heart. And even though I think I know the ending, I’ve let go of the need to control it. I’m willing to be surprised.

 

I used to be different but now I’m the same

I’d love to take credit for this, but someone smarter than I earned that right. The whole process of transformation is summed up in this brilliant sentence:

I USED TO BE DIFFERENT BUT NOW I’M THE SAME.

Here’s what it says about me:

I used to try too hard
I used to deny myself my dreams
I used to live someone else’s life
I used to ignore my intuition
I used to wear a disguise
I used to lack confidence
I used to hide my truth
I used to pretend to be happy
I used to pretend to be happy
I used to pretend…
 

Then a series of events collided in the universe creating a crucible of extraordinary opportunity. Like the tectonic plates of the earth’s crust that move mere inches in a year holding back the bubbling turbulence below, the conditions leading up to my explosion into consciousness rode on the wild back of pent-up truth.

Truth is a slippery devil. If it’s something we don’t want to look at we create a version of the story, a half-truth or truth-and-a-half. Whatever it is, it avoids the bare brown kernel at the core. It enables us to exist without showing up. It allows us to remain in the magical version of our imagined reality. The gritty, glorious being inside is denied life.

A person with unlived truth never feels quite right. There’s always something a tad off. Work is unfulfilling. Relationships don’t last. Physical illness, mental illness, injuries, drugs, alcohol, pills, television, provide distractions or numb the experience.

So when I saw Virginia Bell’s post this morning, and read that sentence, I used to be different but now I’m the same, I said, “Yes!” I used to be that other person that didn’t fit with my truth, a shoddy remake of my original self.

There are a potent two weeks ahead. The heavy hitters are aligning to stir things up.  I’m no astrologer but I have tremendous respect for things that are bigger and older than I am. Stars and planets fall into that category. So I make it a point to read Virginia Bell and pay attention. Today she had this to say about the pungent arrangement in the heavens:

This aspect is like a mini-workshop; it’s an opportunity to break through old patterns and limiting beliefs, to deepen a relationship or finally release it, to recognize your shadow, to call back your soul. Like any recovery work it is painful, humbling and potentially life changing.

*
I can almost hear you, “Why would I want to sign up for that?” You don’t have to. It’s free. It will happen whether you take advantage of it or not. I’m going to sit down with pen and paper and have a conversation with myself. I don’t know what will come up. That’s the mysterious beauty of inner work. By allowing myself to enter the energetic flow I open to forces that support my curiosity. Revelation loves to pay a visit during times like these. Try it, but be careful! You may unearth a truth that terrifies you with it’s power and beauty. And you’ll know beyond question that it is the brown kernel, the core, the gritty you.

You can read Virginia’s entire post here:

http://us2.campaign-archive2.com/?u=4625da467f4643b38699064a5&id=131fca72eb&e=320b050bf6

 

The different

The different – smiling without the eyes

 

The same

The same – a soul reclaimed!

 

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it…

I’m a farmer’s daughter. Even after we moved to town, I spent summers driving tractor, hoisting bales onto the hay wagon, and swatting mosquitoes. While classmates were traveling to Europe, or hanging out at the local drive-in, I was thirty miles from nowhere harvesting alfalfa. And here’s the scary part: I liked it. Love for the land and its produce is intrinsic, a part of who I am.

So when I asked Ketut to take care of the garden, I imagined he would water it when it was thirsty and keep the grass cut. After all, that and a little fertilizer does the trick in Minnesota. Right?

What was I thinking? This is Bali.  A garden here looks more like the Disney Jungle Cruise on steroids, and I’m clueless. I’m learning to stand back and let those who know what they’re doing, take charge.  So when Ketut showed up with a wicked curved knife in his hand and said, “Cut garden,” I just backed out of his way, nodding assent.

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Ketut in my ‘garden’

I didn’t pay much attention until I heard a tree crashing to earth. To my dismay, I found Ketut, knife flailing, doing battle with the jungle that appeared to be swallowing him alive.

“Ketut!” I must have sounded alarmed because he stopped hacking for a moment.

“What?” he said, looking at me, eyebrows raised.

“Snakes!” I think I may have been shouting. “Hati-hati!”

“Where snake?” he said and I immediately felt stupid.

“No snake,” I replied, “Just…please be careful!”

He grinned, “Ya,” he said. I don’t want to know what he was thinking.

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Piles of branches litter the yard

Several hours later the ground was littered with hacked vegetation and instead of a mass of tangled vines, there were identifiable plants.

“What will you do with all of this?” I asked him, motioning at the piles of tropical foliage.

“Make new,” he said, whatever that meant. I didn’t have to wait long to find out. He grabbed a handful of the most colorful branches and carried them to the garden’s edge. With a few swift motions, he jabbed the stalks he had just cut, back into the ground.

I watched with my jaw hanging open. “What are you doing?” I asked.

“Make new,” he said again. “Rain come, grow-grow.” I almost laughed at the impossibility of that idea. If I stuck a branch from, oh, say an oak tree, in the corner of the yard in Minnesota, no amount of rain would make that sucker grow! But I bit my tongue and said nothing.

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Ketut jabbing the branches into the earth “Make new!”

Just then a movement under the bushes froze me in my tracks. I stared into the darkness. Plop! It wasn’t a snake, snakes don’t plop. I squatted on my haunches and peered into the undergrowth. A warty, brown blob stared back at me. It looked like an alien life form. “That has to be the ugliest frog I’ve ever seen!” I said.

Ketut joined me for a look. “Married,” he stated matter-of-factly. Then I saw the problem. It wasn’t one, but two ugly-as-sin toads, enjoying a moment of intimacy in the garden.

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Married

A song came to mind…Cole Porter…Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it…

I left the garden, Ketut, and the toads to their business, poured a glass of wine, and pondered the rich layers of this experience. What a privilege to have so much to learn.

A few hours later we had another epic monsoon. Today those plants look like they’ve always been there. They didn’t miss a beat. No post traumatic transplant stress for them! Suddenly I’m aware of the possibilities. Seeds. Everything I eat has seeds, and here they’re probably not the GMO variety. What if I planted chili seeds, and papaya? How about a few garlic buds, and ginger root? Mango? Visions of eating delicious meals harvested from my back yard garden plays like a B movie through my head.

I run the idea by Ketut. “Possible,” he says. Of course it is. Just about anything is possible in paradise.

The Way Things Work-Manifesting 101

A dream isn’t necessarily what you might think. Maybe it’s an idea that feels like a longing. It could be a memory of something beautiful that happened once, or a wish you make when you blow out your birthday candles. A dream can be innocent like that, unassuming, sneaky. It can be so low-key and camouflaged that you don’t recognize it for what it really is.

Here’s what I know about manifesting. You need a dream. So to begin, sift through your storehouse of longings, memories, and wishes. Find one that feels important, that resonates, and flesh it out. Give it life. In every possible way make it prominent so you feel it, look at it, think about it, and talk about it every day, many times a day. Focus. As you do this, you create a different reality for yourself, a reality that puts you in the middle of that dream.

Next is gratitude. How grateful will you be when what you imagine comes true? Feel it. Take yourself mentally into the place where your dream has materialized and experience the joy of it in your body. Express thankfulness. Accept no contrary thoughts, doubts, or pooh-pooh’s.

Easier said than done, you say? Of course. But you can control your babbling mind. If you don’t yet meditate, now would be a good time to start. Think of it as daydreaming. We all know how to daydream. It’s about that simple. For down-to-earth guidelines, read this very short but excellent book, Buddha in Blue Jeans, by Tai Sheridan. It takes the myth and mystery out of meditation.

Here’s what you’re doing. You’re creating energy. Powerful, positive energy. Ideas will begin to occur to you. They’re like stepping stones. As you act on those prompts new avenues of opportunity appear. Doors open. What looked impossible begins to sweep you along in a current, as if you’ve caught the jet-stream to Wonderland. And what often ends up happening is that the little dream you began with becomes something far bigger and more beautiful than anything you could have imagined.

Today at two p.m. I was thinking about my kitchen. The dark brown cabinets looked gloomy. I wanted a brighter space. Ketut happened to pop in just then. “I think I want to paint these shelves white,” I said.

“Do now,” he suggested. By three p.m. we were at the paint shop. They had one white. I briefly thought of my Benjamin Moore fan deck that had about 200 variations of that color, then decided this particular shade of Bali white was perfect. “Need oil, mix-mix.” Ketut said, and held up a suspicious looking blue can void of any listing of ingredients. By four p.m. he had mixed the oil (which turned out to be paint thinner that smelled like a cross between gasoline and turpentine) with the high gloss white enamel. And by five-thirty, the job was finished.

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I’ve been living with the dark kitchen for months. Until today, I hadn’t taken time to dream something different. As soon as I did, it materialized.

Manifesting has become my favorite pastime. It’s like a muscle that gets stronger with exercise. You may think my kitchen story is lame, a poor example. But that’s part of the secret. Recognizing blessing and honoring it, no matter how large or small it may seem, is the key to abundance. And manifesting dreams is no more and no less than an outpouring of blessing that fulfills the desires of our hearts.

Lake Imagination…30 miles from nowhere

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Frozen Lake Imagination

You’re right. It’s not a lake. It’s a hay field covered with snow. And if it appears to be barren, bleak, and cold, in the winter it is. But someone once-upon-a-time had the romantic notion that it looked like a frozen body of water and Lake Imagination was born. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west here, as it does everywhere on earth. It’s just that it does it more quickly in the winter, leaving only about 8 hours of chilly daylight.

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The climate isn’t conducive to comfort and ease. People here have to pay attention just to survive. If you step outside without the necessary insulation surrounding your body it won’t take long before your extremities freeze solid. I’ll be kind and refrain from saying anything about the questionable intelligence of life-forms who choose to live in this isolated place. After all, it was my home for many years and I have a healthy respect for anyone who thrives under these circumstances.

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View of Lake Imagination through the Christmas Tree

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Indoor hanging gardens at ‘the lake’

But there is a warmth of heart that radiates love when family and friends gather in this place, 30 miles from nowhere, to celebrate rituals and pay homage to the passing of time. My sister lives here and swears allegiance to her Scandinavian roots buried deep in the permafrost. And her husband, though he grew up in southern climes, swears too, although not always allegiance!

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Gwen, the consummate hostess, shakes a stick of Gula Kelapa, coconut palm sugar, threateningly as she prepares Norwegian/Balinese fusion.

Gwen, my sister, had offered to let me make a Balinese meal for the yearly Christmas Open House that happens at their place. I knew better! Balinese cuisine isn’t fast food. I could see myself spending an entire day shopping for unavailable ingredients, and another day up to my eyeballs in food prep. That is NOT my idea of “all is calm…all is bright!” So she settled for Norwegian lefse stuffed with Balinese palm sugar and Bali Kopi along with other, more traditional fare.

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Gwen’s home made, hand decorated, amazing holiday cookies.

You see, Gwen thinks nothing of spending weeks making these unbelievable confections. She and her hubby, ‘W’ (not to be confused with the former pres of the U.S., George W) are kitchen wizards.  They imagine that everyone can pull off a gourmet meal at the drop of a hat. I’ve been telling them for years I can’t cook. But Gwen refuses to believe that the same gene pool that spawned her could possibly yield up anything less than a domestic Wonderwoman. I do other things well, I tell myself, and try to remember what those things are.

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Mr. Kitchen Wizard

Actually, I know one thing I do better than some. I play a pretty mean game of Scrabble. Just the night before, after losing all three games of Cribbage to Gwen, I beat her at three games of Scrabble. Then, high on the adrenaline rush of victory, I ate the rest of a jar of caramel corn that W had made. The following morning he got up, noted the empty jar, and promptly popped more corn, made the syrup, and presto! The jar that is sitting on the bar right in front of him was full again.

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Playing ‘Texas Mean’ with the family…mom looks angelic all in white!

One of the highlights of any family get-together is playing ‘Texas Mean.’ Mom and Dad brought the game home with them after visiting our snowbird relatives in southern Texas. In his woodworking shop, Dad copied the wooden board. Over the years he made dozens of Texas Mean Games, passing them out to family and friends. Now, at 90 years old, he still wins almost every time.  He’s sitting on my left. On this day we were playing partners and, true to form, Dad and his partner were undefeated.

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Jessa and her Grandpa.

After the games, Dad relaxed with Jessa, enjoying the sunshine reflecting off Lake Imagination. Several neighbors stopped by to visit. Anyone who lives within a 30 mile radius is neighbor potential since that totals a whopping 12 people. The conversation was a far cry from what I remember from my youth. Back then…waaaay back then…the men sat in the living room and talked farming while the women clustered in the kitchen swapping recipes and neighborhood gossip.

On this day, however, neighbor Kent Lorentzen, was telling about e-publishing his Favorite Farmers Market Recipes cookbook on Amazon. Another couple said they would stop to visit me in Bali on their trip around the world next year. Mom and Dad sat listening, smiling, nodding as though nothing had changed at all, even though as young newlyweds television hadn’t been invented, let alone the world wide web.

I suddenly felt disoriented. Walking to the wall of windows I gazed out over crystalline stillness. Lake Imagination is a place where you are only limited by what you dare to dream. For a minute I saw little Sherry, all those years ago, trying to step in her father’s muddy footprints as she followed him to the milking barn. Her stubby legs strained to reach his stride. Her dream then was to make him proud. And if I’m 100% honest with myself, it really hasn’t changed much.

The inimitable Leonard

Where, where, where is my gypsy wife tonight? I’m obsessed with Leonard Cohen. His lyrics are heartbreaking, haunting, and too real at times. They’re complex. They make me think while I’m crying. They explore delicate subjects that may even be considered tabu, with raw honesty. The melodies seduce in dark minor keys, and the man can’t sing. What can I say. His voice is a gravelly cross between Bob Dylan and laryngitis.

But that doesn’t matter. I can’t get enough. When I hear the opening rift of “Take This Waltz” my feet automatically go into the 1, 2, 3…1, 2, 3…1, 2, 3 of that classic dance step. I can’t stop them, my feet that is, and I am elated even though the words paint a forlorn and dismal picture.

Now in Vienna there’s ten pretty women
There’s a shoulder where Death comes to cry
There’s a lobby with nine hundred windows
There’s a tree where the doves go to die
There’s a piece that was torn from the morning
And it hangs in the Gallery of Frost… (Take This Waltz)

…a piece that was torn from the morning…I can’t even articulate what those words do to me. You can’t tear a piece from morning, right? But have you ever awakened not wanting to face another day? Something big and dark has happened in your life and there’s a gaping hole?

Well, maybe its not for everyone…?

But I think I’ve figured out what it is for me, this fascination. It has everything to do with the craft of writing. Leonard Cohen is a master of the art. He sings about the same things that everyone sings about, but he says it in ways that nobody has ever said it before. Even if I don’t understand completely, even if it doesn’t quite make sense when I examine the individual pieces, he creates a mood that resonates. His words, incongruously strung together, make the message even more poignant.

I aspire to write like that. Maybe not as dark…definitely not as dark! But I want to own words the way Leonard does. He makes them his, twists their meanings, and bends them to his will. His work is sheer genius.

Weathering Mood Swings

It is still cold. We had a day or two of high 80’s but that seems like eons ago. I’d like to say I’m not complaining, just stating facts. The truth is, I am feeling grumpy and growly and crosswise and I AM complaining! But I don’t like myself much when that happens so I decided to funnel some energy into more positive channels. I turned my blue funky mood into this poem.

Mood Swings

Heavy clouds leaking rain
cast cold shadows
across the slice of warmth
streaming through my window.
Steady drum of thunder
accompanies
staccato raindrop notes
pelting the glass.
My mood plummets
to the soles
of my feet.
I contemplate
spoiled plans.
There will be no
walk to the lake
for the outdoor concert.
Not today.
I pull a sweater
tight around my shoulders,
grumbling,
just as the slice of warmth
reappears
streaming through my window.
 

Of course the minute I sat down with my notebook and pen I was mentally in a different place. As I thought about the thunder and the rain and how to describe the way I heard it and saw it and felt it, I forgot to be grumpy. Then, by the time I had finished my poem, the sun was out. So…

I walked to the lake.

Rainbow over Lake Harriet in Minneapolis

Photo by Debbie Donovan

Reincarnation – Tell me about past lives…

Dewa and I had a long conversation about reincarnation yesterday. I was carrying those thoughts with me as I went about my day and suddenly one line appeared on a mental blank page.  “Tell me about past lives,” it said. I was near a familiar Warung (local restaurant) so I removed my sandals, stepped up to the spotlessly clean white tiled floor, took a seat on a bamboo stool by a bamboo table, pulled my notebook out of my backpack, requested a pineapple juice, and began. Half an hour and a chicken curry dish later I closed my notebook, returned it to my backpack, paid for my $3.00 lunch, retrieved my sandals, and strolled slowly home. Back in my sweet little room I took myself,  my laptop, and my notebook to the balcony and translated the scribbles. The result is this poem.

Journey’s End

.

Was I here before? I want to know.

Tell me about past lives.

Was I a temple prostitute

Or one of the sultans’ wives?

.

Did my cries ring out on a battlefield?

Did I dance to pagan drums?

Was I burned at the stake for my witching ways?

Sometimes a memory comes…

.

Not clear like a snapshot photograph

But wrapped in a cloudy haze

Hinting at something long ago

Reminiscent of ancient days.

.

I seek to know myself, and yet

Can I plumb the depths of these wells

When my soul spans ages of lifetimes

And old knowledge resides in my cells?

.

When the sound of a Celtic fiddle

Makes my feet do an unknown dance

And I already know the Sanskrit words

That the kirtan leader chants.

.

I am trapped in Scandinavian skin

With a penchant for curries and heat.

A crucifix haunts me from behind

While I kneel at Shakti’s feet.

.

The teacher smiled with a knowing

And quietly said, “My friend…

The questions are the journey

The answers are journey’s end.”

.

Sherry Bronson

An Empowered Sisterhood

The internet has been down at my residence since last night. I feel terribly handicapped by this inconvenience! Ubud is flooded with people who have come for the Bali Spirit Festival and they’re all here with their internet accessible phones, computers, etc.  The additional activity has evidently put a strain on the system. But here at the Atman Kafe the internet is alive and well, another reason I love this place! I came here first thing this morning to plug in and immediately ordered coffee. It came with this surprise:

How sweet is that! I am delighted and my server is so pleased to have surprised me. Have I mentioned that I love this place!

After a short time of sipping coffee and answering e-mails I am joined by a nineteen-year-old girl from Berlin. Amalia. She has been traveling for seven months.  She spent time working in Australia then went to New Zealand to mountain climb on the glaciers, sky-dive, and do some hang-gliding off cliffs. Timid soul! She leaves to return to her family in Germany in six days and she admits she is lonesome. She reminds me of a 19 year-old in the 60’s who left her Minnesota home to live in Hawaii. But I somehow talked my best friend, Diana, into going with me!

I am amazed at the number of women I meet who have opted for traveling alone. We are here in droves, all ages, not running from…not looking for…just being who we are without constraint or compromise. It is an empowered sisterhood of kindred souls. From this perspective, half a world away from home, the globe shrinks to a companionable size. Imagining possibilities comes naturally. Dreams are allowed, encouraged, nurtured. We share them with one another, almost apologetically at first, shocking ourselves with the boldness of them. But in the sharing they become more real. And somehow, we too become more real.

 

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