writing for self-discovery

That’s the most difficult part, isn’t it? Not knowing what to expect. Not knowing The Future.

All through 2019 I was restless. I knew my life was about to change. I could sense it. Nothing I’d been doing for the past eight to ten years fit anymore. I kept plugging away at the same-old same-old because nothing had appeared to take its place.

Mom died in August. Okay, I thought. Maybe that’s what it was. Maybe some part of me knew…

But it wasn’t.

The restlessness didn’t leave. Christmas came and went. The world barreled headlong into 2020 and my seventieth birthday arrived. My daughters gifted me an astrological reading. The woman’s first opening was in March. I asked her to let me know if she had a cancellation. She said she would.

Seventy was a big number. I wanted to mark the new decade in a special way so I gave myself a trip to Italy. A month in Praiano, I decided, would satisfy a dream to return to that rugged coastline and would also provide time away to gain perspective.

It partly worked.

By the time I returned to Bali I’d stopped doing the things I’d been doing and made space for whatever was next. I landed on March 7th. On March 8th, borders in Indonesia were closed to flights from Italy. My reading with evolutionary astrologer Jessica Murray, was scheduled for March 11th.

Jessica had been practicing astrology for forty-five years. The more I read about her, the more excited I became. I wanted some light shed on the path forward and I felt if anyone could see into that formless void, she could.

The reading was extraordinary. Even though I’d never met Ms. Murray, and even though we were on Skype with an ocean between us, she knew things about me that hadn’t even been clear to me until she spoke them. She asked no questions at all. My comments were mono-syllabic: Oh. Really? Wow!

When our time was almost up she told me I was going into a period of personal transformation that would shift everything I’d previously known about myself. At that point I spoke. I told her I’d sensed something coming and I’d made a few changes, but I didn’t know what was ahead. Her answer made me shudder.

Even if you thought you knew, Sherry, you’d be wrong.

Theories outlining a post-COVID world abound, some utopian, some dystopian. But there are still too many variables to predict an outcome with any accuracy. Jessica’s words for me seemed to apply to the world situation as well: Even if you think you know, you’ll be wrong.

So how do we deal with the unsettling reality of not knowing?

During a particularly difficult juncture in my life when everything familiar had dissolved and the way ahead was complete and utter darkness, I survived with two mantras.

The first: Be in the now and allow.

The second: Trust the unfolding.

Now is all we have. The present. If we allow whatever we’re feeling to come, then go, come, then go, the shifting moods, the capacity to manage followed by the meltdown, the cooped-up craziness or the solitary loneliness, the rare moments of acceptance and peace, are acts of self-kindness. And if we take a minute to name the feelings, ANGER is what I’m feeling now; right now I feel SAD, I’m feeling HOPELESS, psychology tells us that helps to diffuse those emotions.

And then, because it’s impossible to know what’s ahead, if we can stop reading or listening to dire predictions and decide instead to trust the unfolding, that will bring a measure of calm to our nervous system. Don’t feed the fear.

I’ll say it again: DON’T FEED THE FEAR.

There’s no way to sugarcoat the state of the world and what is happening to more and more people every day. Jobs lost. Homes lost. Lives lost. That’s reality. If ever there was a need for mental stamina, tools to manage the machinations of the mind, it’s now. Sometimes we don’t know how resilient we are until we’re put to the test.

“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” Marcus Aurelius

I hope these simple mantras and the reasoning behind them can help us maintain sanity until the future is once again within sight. Meanwhile, do what you can to be kind to yourself.